Bravery in Fear
The pain was so intense she could not sit up straight
Cancer had propelled through her body like a fire looking for oxygen
We were alone
In the few months I had known her she spoke about her life, her family, her successes, her failures, her regrets and how at this moment she felt so incredibly alone
She sat on the couch slumped over and looked up at me with eyes glossy from emerging tears
I could only follow the lead of my knees as they weakened and put me on the floor in front of her
Eye to eye she and I allowed those watery manifestations of fear to roll down our cheeks
She said "I'm afraid. I'm afraid to let go and die alone."
It was then I made a promise. "you will not be alone, you will feel no pain and I will hold your hand until you let go of mine."
In the next few days her decline was rapid, she was letting go, she gave me her fear and allowed me to relieve some of her emotional burden.
I sat bedside a few days later as her mind and body worked to release her soul
In the hours that passed I held her hand, whispered to her, played hymns on my phone, softly ran my fingers through her hair and placed a wet cloth on her forehead for comfort.
I let her know how brave she was, how that her fear was indeed bravery, it showed she felt she lived well enough to me afraid to miss it and if she wasn't afraid it should mean she had nothing to loose
It was within the hour that she left
She took her last breath with a gentle hymn waifing through the air, my hand in hers and so comfortable that her fears allowed her to be brave enough to let go
With a promise fulfilled I let her go
It took me until now to process her death, she taught me so much during our conversations
Fear can be debilitating
Whether it is fear of living, dying, loving or the unknown it can prevent us from stepping into the unknown and uncontrollable
There is Bravery in Fear do not see it as weakness but that you feel something strong enough you may not be willing to lose it
Cancer had propelled through her body like a fire looking for oxygen
We were alone
In the few months I had known her she spoke about her life, her family, her successes, her failures, her regrets and how at this moment she felt so incredibly alone
She sat on the couch slumped over and looked up at me with eyes glossy from emerging tears
I could only follow the lead of my knees as they weakened and put me on the floor in front of her
Eye to eye she and I allowed those watery manifestations of fear to roll down our cheeks
She said "I'm afraid. I'm afraid to let go and die alone."
It was then I made a promise. "you will not be alone, you will feel no pain and I will hold your hand until you let go of mine."
In the next few days her decline was rapid, she was letting go, she gave me her fear and allowed me to relieve some of her emotional burden.
I sat bedside a few days later as her mind and body worked to release her soul
In the hours that passed I held her hand, whispered to her, played hymns on my phone, softly ran my fingers through her hair and placed a wet cloth on her forehead for comfort.
I let her know how brave she was, how that her fear was indeed bravery, it showed she felt she lived well enough to me afraid to miss it and if she wasn't afraid it should mean she had nothing to loose
It was within the hour that she left
She took her last breath with a gentle hymn waifing through the air, my hand in hers and so comfortable that her fears allowed her to be brave enough to let go
With a promise fulfilled I let her go
It took me until now to process her death, she taught me so much during our conversations
Fear can be debilitating
Whether it is fear of living, dying, loving or the unknown it can prevent us from stepping into the unknown and uncontrollable
There is Bravery in Fear do not see it as weakness but that you feel something strong enough you may not be willing to lose it
The antagonist's fragile understanding of what she is to become is the sweet song of acceptance. Her fear of what life lies beyond this small investment of time must be a dialogue that haunts the deepest corners of her mind. She must think...Will I become a ray of light that streaks across the heavens for all to look at in wonderment? Will I become drops of rain that fills the river blue, or the cup of cool water that soothes the next weary traveler's brow? Or will I nurture the root of a fruit tree that nourishes the nursing mother breasts to fill another being with my body and spirit? Are we all not destined to become part of one another, no matter how nice, sweet, mean, beautiful or ugly complex, rich or poor we are all entangled into one?
ReplyDeleteDying alone is what we all will do. Those interpersonal complexities of was I good person, the vessels of guilt that we carry like weights around our necks, the love that we yearned for or the begging for just one more kiss of her lips give way to peace and readiness that only the traveler can understand. The hymn singer, the brow soother and the tender hand holder during those last moments of connection between our current state and the world as we know intimately giving concrete knowledge that we actually existed. An enternal strength in the soft whispers and small squeezes of love from a familiar hand that emboldens our courage to find peace within our unknown possibilities. No sweeter a hand will one ever hold....